Never Had it Bad
by Daroga's Rainy Daae
Summary: I've made Erik reflection stories, a Raoul reflection story, but not once have I ever made a Christine reflection story. This is her POV down in the lair, of what she REALLY thought...


I have done so many stupid things in the past, and I'm screwing up too much now to fix my mistakes I'm making, even as I think here and now. And I know I'm going to mess up in the future, and I won't make the right decision, and of course; I am unable to stop these things from happening.  
  
I remember it was merely a couple months ago when I could go along with my day and my only worries were what the chorus girls thought of my abilities. Although... come to think of it... it was my need to become better that got me into this horrible, terrible disaster. You see; I met a man. Well, at first I didn't know he was a man, I thought he was an angel, but now I know. He was a man. And I was a fool.  
  
I was a fool to believe there really was such a thing as an Angel of Music, and I was a fool to sing for him. I was a fool for trusting him, for betraying him, for revealing him, and for not loving him. But I can't help it; I'm a wreck of a ballet girl. I'm a useless, pathetic, pitiful creature who has done nothing but caused trouble... for absolutely everyone I have ever come across.  
  
I was a fool, and am a fool. Now, because of me, two men are suffering. They are - or were - two of my closest, dearest friends in the world, and now they're suffering.  
  
Erik was completely insane, there was no hope for him. He was so mad with love that he was willing to destroy the opera house if I didn't become his living bride. I didn't want to! No, it wasn't that I didn't want to.. it was because I couldn't. I was a foolish coward and just could not go with it. But... for the life of my true love... Raoul... He was a brave, intelligent, clever man. All he ever did for me was protect me, and love me, and he would die for me. I'm sure if he were in my shoes, he would make the decision to save hundreds of lives.  
  
But since it was me here, just stupid, hopeless me... I didn't know what to do.  
  
From every angle, I heard a jumble of confusing voices.. "Don't be afraid, Christine! Save yourself!" and, "No.. you do not love me... but you can learn to..!" "The scorpion or the grasshopper, Christine?" "Grasshopper?" "Scorpion?"  
  
No, no, no! I don't know! I'm not meant to be here! I can't do this! I'm only a child, just a little girl who still believes in myths like the Angel of Music...  
  
Why did they love me? What did they see in me!? Erik was too good for my rotten soul, and Raoul was much too brave and, oh, I don't deserve either of them! Why do they love me so much?  
  
My decision. Me. I'd be making the life-changing decision... I felt so alone. So alone, and there was nobody there to save me. Raoul was only feet away, Erik; inches, and I was still thousands of miles away from everyone and everything. It didn't matter what anyone else did now but me. It was my choice.  
  
"Erik," I whispered shakily, "are you not lying to me? If I turn the scorpion... will you save them...?"  
  
"Christine..." I heard one last horrified word from Raoul, as he seemed overcome with relief and regret at the same time, and shocked at my choice.  
  
Yes, I will be brave for once. I will not fall, I will not fail, and I will not let Raoul down. For him, I shall save our lives. For him, I shall give up my soul to my deepest fear. My fear which I cannot love, will never love, but will stay with to make happy.. to ebb his torturing pain...  
  
With the turn of the scorpion, my confusing went away, the frustration left me, and all I had left was an empty mind of complete despair. And I deserved everything I had coming for me. I had been an idiot, I had played with men's hearts, I had crossed a dangerous line I no longer can cross again to my base.  
  
Erik saved the Persian and Raoul, set them safely in a room a few stories up. I waited. I stood there, dumbly wishing I had never been born.  
  
When Erik came back, he stepped close to me. I almost panicked, but stayed put. I couldn't make any more mistakes. Not this time... not anymore. He hovered above me, and I avoided his eyes; those deep, red eyes that are only visible in the dark... Then, with my last ounce of courage I had, I tipped my head forward. Only a little. Of course I knew Erik would be able to sense such a sensitive movement.  
  
You could say he sealed my fate with a kiss. Suddenly, a vivid image crossed my mind; me as Erik's bride, his wife, forever until death... my life all gone...  
  
Erik collapsed at my feet, weeping uncontrollably. And this was when I saw him. When I really saw him. The man, the poor, unhappy man. Shunned all his life and ridiculed, now mad with love for the only one who had ever let him kiss them... his first kiss in his entire life. I felt overcome with sadness for this poor man, no longer a monster. I had become unblinded at his touch. I saw him for what he really was. A poor, sad man... a REAL man...  
  
"Poor, unhappy Erik," I choked, now sobbing for him, my own selfish thoughts leaving me. What had I been thinking? All I cared about was my own desires, and here was this man at my feet, crying because of what I had done, and what I had let him do... I had to do something.. Make up all those years to him and show him that he was not alone...  
  
When I looked down at Erik, he had taken his mask off, and I did not run. I really DIDN'T have any fears. I kissed him.  
  
"You're a man, you're just a man... not at all... a monster.." I whispered, barely audible words for even Erik.  
  
My realization was not too late. I felt suddenly at ease. He was not a monster, no... far from it. I felt so, so sorry for him. I couldn't help but cry for him. Right now he thinks I'm crying because of my fate; maybe that's what it started out to be... but not anymore. He just helped me to realize... that no matter how much trouble I ever went through, no how much I controlled the lives of others and had such power to crush a person to bits... I never had it bad. Ever.  
  
FINIS 


End file.
